Since I'm out at a Leadership Conference this week- I'm having my sister guest-blog for me. She's technically retired from the world of blogging, but is coming out of retirement for a post or two to help me out.
Welcome, Christina, to Musings of a Foreign Heart!
My grandma died- and I'm so sad. Yesterday I found myself having to drive home at lunch, to be able to cry about it in peace. When I stopped at stoplights, I rolled my windows up to have some privacy from the drivers around me, even though I am aware that this doesn’t make me invisible. My heart just hurt so much, missing her.
The weird thing is- my dear Grandma died about 15 years ago. And you know, I’m really used to it. Its part of my life now, something I take for granted. I’m really not sure why suddenly I started thinking about her so much. Maybe it’s the book I’m reading with my new mentor, Becoming a Woman of Excellence. (She was- very much so.) Maybe it’s the fact that yesterday I was writing Mother’s day cards to my mom and Grandma Sponsler, and I found myself wanting to thank Grandma Avonell for being such an amazing woman, mother, and Grandma, and couldn’t. Either way, she’s been on my mind in a big way these past few days, and I’m just missing her so much. I just wish, as an adult, that I could know her.
There are so many questions I have for her- so many things I didn’t know to ask before she died. I wish I could talk to her about being single at 25—she experienced it and waiting for the “right guy” really worked out for her- in my Grandpa Fletcher. I wish I could tell her about the great father her son, my dad, grew up to be, and how he and my stood in the gap for me while I learned how to make my own choices, and stumbled a few times along the way. I wish I could learn from her in person, how she found that perfect place in between feistiness and having a quiet spirit… my constant struggle. I wish I could learn from her how she was the kind of mother-in-law that made my mom think, when she married my dad, “I want to be just like her.”
Maybe I’m selfish- I have an amazing Mom and Grandma, that are excellent examples to me of Biblical Womanhood- who am I to want more? But I just keep feeling like there is this piece missing. I don’t know enough about her- I don’t know about her walk with the Lord, I don’t know how she encouraged my Aunts through the world of Dating, I don’t know how she handled 8 kids on my Grandpa Fletcher’s dairy farmer budget. I remember so little of her, and her with me- I’m having a hard time deciphering the difference between my memories and stories that I’ve heard. And I’m mourning for that.
So, I’m going to start digging. I’m going to ask about her- about her walk with her Lord, about her parenting and letting go, about her feistiness.
It’s time that I got to know her.