sigh

how unfortunate that computers can't communicate inflection or tone.
yeah, so I'm trying to get out of this deep groove where all i write about sounds silly and abstract, like i'm trying to philosophize. which is actually ironic, becuase there are only two, possibly three people that I know of that even know this blog exists... so my supposed soap box stands in front of a pretty slim crowd. yet, that little big guy inside me wants to write it as though the hordes of people are going to flock to my thick words and heavy reflections.
oh the woes of my brokenness.

the other day i read a phrase describing humans as 'broken image bearers.' i thought to myself, 'now that sounds just pretty accurate of our condition.

i feel broken today. i just had a conversation with a friend about our community of friends. i was so torn - i'm still feeling it in my chest. i know, more than anything, that i contribute to our perpetual state of shallow.

ukk. i don't like to talk about it because it makes me feel exposed. anyway, this conversation brought to the surface some hard, hard things. (isn't it ironic that generally people are surface and shallow and when we finally reach down and get something of substance to pull up to our level of surfaceness it is worth talking about - it's unusual... is there anyone that lives down there in the depths where the real thinking happens all the time? i imagine they would be pretty drained with all the issues people attach to sinkers, destined for the ocean floor.)

it is most constructive in this case to talk about my own failures - not because i want the attention (although I wouldn't put it past me), but because of the whole remove the log out of your own eye before you examine the speck in your neighbors.

so - awhile back a friend confronted me about how my actions, words, little pieces of my lifestyle were hurtful to her. She sincerely felt judged, manipulated, and treated poorly. This conversation of course took hours because we are women, but nonetheless that was what was communicated. wow. i didn't know what to say. ordinarily, and actually my mind automatically started doing this, i would bring up the defenses. i've gotten pretty good at framing myself as the victim, innocent, even in how I communicate my weaknesses.

i've always been able to say, 'well, my struggles are on the inside.' i think that frustrated my friends in high school, because they would say - WHERE DO YOU STRUGGLE? what sin is in your life that you battle? when i would say 'inside' it sounded like i dealt with less sin or something. that i had conquered the tangible sin and was just dealing with the not-so-horrible "inside" sin.

oh could we ever have been more wrong. this friend that was gracious enough to humiliate me made me realize that those 'inside' things i had been praying about, thinking about, even expressing in manipulated phrases - those things like pride, judgement, THAT SIN HURTS PEOPLE. it hurt my friend.

i just sat there completely shocked. no one in my life had ever done that to me before. i realized that i hadn't let them. the minute i was in a conversation about sin and struggles i would manipulate it to show my struggles, but not be vulnerable enough to show that i needed to change. ouch. i can't tell you how deep that pierced my soul.

God had softened my heart for that specific time so that I could just sit there and know that i deserved the humiliation, but my friend and God offered forgiveness. Praise the Lord. Yes, Praise the Lord.

anyway, so how this relates to my sighs now. .. my brokenness doesn't take away God's imprint - his handiwork in His creation. He takes great delight when His children really reflect him. I hurt for myself and for others that have a hard time reconciling the brokenness with the image bearing.

there's so much more - but praise God. praise God for mercy. that is beautiful.