I lost it in church yesterday. Classic, on-the-way-to-communion breakdown. It had something to do with Ephesians 2 and the sermon turning over soil I had let harden in my soul. It had something to do with Taryn singing "Although we are weeping, Lord help us keep sowing the seeds of Your kingdom..." It had something to do with remembering what it is to be human, I guess. Mostly that.
God has been pursuing me these weeks while I hide in crowded subway cars and underneath early winter layers. He has been pursuing me with a simple, pressing whisper, "I am still holding things together."
It is a hard whisper to hear with winter creeping in, painting everything in greys beyond the concrete that already colors this city. It is a hard whisper to hear in grief. But, God has been pursuing me in these weeks with this whisper to consider that He is still in the middle of making all things new.
Even if I close my eyes against it, God is still making beautiful things.
I keep coming back to Colossians 1, where it says of Christ,
"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." (Colossians 1:15-17 ESV)
All things were created through him and for him. Every new life and every mustard seed breaking the earth's surface and every wave crashing the coast, all these are confirmations that He is still creating and He still has good plans.
Sometimes, like now, I have to gulp that down with two word prayers for more belief. O, God. Are you? Is this? Please come. Be here. Show me. Still me. Show yourself.
But I can't blink it away.
He is actively holding all things together because His design is good. He persists in holding us together as we persist in breaking things apart or as we get broken apart. He persists and does not abandon His creation, but not for pity. He persists because He will always be about the work of restoring creation to its original dignity.
That's what our pastor talked about in church yesterday - that God persisted and pursued when we thought brokenness was the end of our story, the defining moment. But He doesn't rescue us out of our brokenness. He does the opposite. He holds us together inside of it.