if I could make your heart

Sometimes we come to the end of ourselves for ourselves. We get dried up. We go looking to get filled because emptiness doesn't feel like the most abundant way to live. And we all want abundance.

But other times, we come to the end of ourselves because an empty vessel cannot fill another. We want to pour out love and grace, but when the glass is tipped there is nothing but air.

I don't have kids yet, but I imagine I will feel this way often or at least I will fight it on the regular. I will want them to feel loved and blessed and cared for in a special and unique way. And just as often I will feel my limitations.

If you are like me, you imagine what you would do with an infinite vessel. You imagine, with an infinite vessel, you could really love someone well. If your resources were never exhausted, you could really communicate the love that twists up your insides. At least, that's what I imagine.

Because sometimes it feels like I need too much maintenance to love at all, like I'm so concerned with getting filled up that I can't pour out love the way I wish I could - with extravagant gifts and slow conversations and donated afternoons/evenings. I feel like every time I tip my glass only air comes out.

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This is a nice idea from Azure Ray... that we could make hearts feel always loved, if we are willing to make crazy sacrifices.

But on the days when I come to the end of myself for someone else, I remember it is not my glass that fills their cup.

It is not my gifts or conversations or donated evenings that makes their life abundant. It is another source entirely. God knows about our dry, empty hearts. He knows when we tip our glass and only air comes out.

And He is the One who fills us, for whatever reason we are feeling empty.

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