My cousin Vince started the email with "Carolina!" He wanted to ask a few questions for a project he is doing at Baylor. Questions are kind of my jam, and for this guy I'd do about anything. He is a really amazing picture of what it looks like to battle in the trenches of the faith while serving the people around him. Every time we talk, I learn more about how I can better live out my faith.
Here is the little Q and A.
Why did you first start blogging? I attended a conference called Faith and International Development at Calvin College while a junior at the rival liberal arts school Hope College in Holland, Michigan. At the conference, many of the things that had been bubbling up in my spirit collided and I needed an outlet. At the time (ahem, 2006), blogs were the newest and coolest way to give life to creative expression. Although I didn't consider myself new or cool, the feeling of pushing publish was especially satisfying creatively and I've been doing it ever since.
What is the hardest thing about maintaining a blog? Writing.
I never pretended that my blog was going to be about pictures or quotes or anything especially clever. Well, maybe I considered all of those for a hot second, but I never felt as much pleasure doing anything other than just writing.
I write because I love to write in a Eric Liddell kind of way - in the way that I feel God's pleasure when I do it. But, writing is also the hardest thing about maintaining a blog. It means writing when you don't feel like it and writing when you think you have nothing to say. It means starting a sentence when you think it sounds stupid. It means thinking of writing ideas when you are at the park and starting a blog while you are getting your hair cut or while you are riding the subway or while you are putting in your 9-5.
Writing is also the hardest because it is easy to be scared. I am afraid of what I write being less than good - that it will not be as interesting or as alive as it feels when it comes out of my fingertips. Sometimes that keeps me from writing. And if I don't write, I don't have a blog.
Would you say that blogging provides an outlet for you to express your thoughts and emotions? How? Yes, I would say that exactly.
Sometimes, I think blogging pulls out of me what I didn't know was inside. There are times when I stop myself in mid-conversation because I know the words will sound garbled until I've blogged them out first. It's like therapy, I guess. But it's also like exercise. It's exercise for my creative spirit and my soul because I can stretch muscles in my imagination and in my intellect that don't get used anywhere else in my life.
It's like a playground where I my mind can run around, climb jungle gyms and swing off monkey bars. It can be (and is probably too often) an escape where I go to sort out the tensions in my heart.
Why do you continue to write your blog? I suppose I continue to write my blog because it has become an inextricable part of my processing. The way I see the world and the way I engage with the world has a whole lot to do with the way I write the world. When I've thought something through and let it run out of my fingertips, I know it better... more fully. I know my weaknesses better and my fears and my vulnerabilities. I know my dreams and desires better. I know where I've let curiosity live and where I've let wonder roam, but I also know where I've hid light under a bushel and closed the doors on joy.
Maybe I don't know any of these things better because I blog, but it sure feels like I do. And that's why I keep blogging.
My mom called me from Iowa recently. She said, "Honey, I'm glad you finally blogged again." I was kind of surprised to hear that she knew I was in desperate need of some blog time. "Mom, how'd you know?" Maybe in my cross country move or my new job and new relationship the need is more obvious than I realize. But, not everyone assumes a person needs to blog. "Well, I just know that sometimes you need to blog in order to think," she told me.
Maybe that's really why I write my blog - because it makes me a better thinker.
*If you want to know more (and feel better about how often/not often you are awkward in social situations) check out this post on my very gauche life.