It happened yesterday in Prospect Park - when I was rounding the bend down the slope, right after I stopped to take a picture of the lake. The Saturday children's soccer games were in the middle of playful competition on the fields, various groups clustered around pastel balloons for birthday parties, and there was a small gathering who had followed hand-painted wooden signs down a slight slope to celebrate a wedding. The colors were turning, but soft like a whisper. The sun was making warm paths of light to reach the turning leaves on the opposite side of the lake.
I got emotional.
I suppose that isn't surprising, given my emotional history and over-dramatization of most events, at least for story's sake. But it did surprise me and I had to close my eyes for a few paces to collect myself.
Have you ever stretched out your fingers into rays of sunlight? All the mystery of those rays reaching us, dancing on our fingertips, evading our capture - it normally makes me marvel. How is it that the light that warms our faces comes from a gigantic spherical furnace? How is it that it gets as far as earth and remains at the perfect distance to sustain life? How is it?
Normally, rays of light and soccer games and birthday parties and wedding celebrations make me marvel, but yesterday they made me emotional. I guess because I couldn't hold the light or be in the soccer game or sit with the ladies in lawn chairs or wave a flag at the wedding.
I felt very small and very disconnected - like knowing and being known here is too distant a thing to reach.
The faces I met - on bikes and in strollers and in road weary running shoes - I did not know, not a single one. Commotion is not hard to come by in this city and with it the potential that I am missing out on something beautiful. Festivals, neighborhood parties, service events, art openings - commotion and opportunity and all this potential for beautiful make me acutely aware when I am outside and unattached.
This is not my city, yet. And it took me a while to shake the feelings last night or to do more than resolve the feelings away. Sometimes it is good to feel what you feel - to step into it fully and make peace with the way it got tangled inside.
This morning, I have different eyes to see the shortness in my chest for what it was: fear.
Today I'll reach out and let the same sun dance on my fingertips, but I will choose to marvel because I have a God who keeps His promises. I know a God who is my Savior and who has promised to provide and protect and preserve these bones.
I shall not want.