When I was little, I was thrown around like a toy amongst the brothers and men in my family. I don't mean that in a bad way (because my mom would say I "asked for it" almost every time and I probably did). But let's just say it wasn't strange to walk into our living room to see me hanging upside down with my brothers' hands at my ankles. Now, I could incite trouble like any good tomboy could, but I wasn't one to give up once I got in the middle of it. So, even in that helpless upside-down-at-the-ankles state, I would be jerking and swinging and doing any kind of acrobatics to get free. And it was always when the boys got tired of the game that it was over - not when I accomplished something with all my thrashing. They would let me go (probably by the surprise release method) and then I'd catch my breath long enough to go at them again, sure that this time I could somehow swing an underdog victory. (Sigh). Right now feels a lot like upside-down-at-the-ankles. I realize I haven't written since those last days in Honduras and I can't quite decide if it's shock or pain or laziness or a dreadful combination of all three. I had all sorts of ideas about what life would look like back here in the States. I still have that tomboy-ish mischief in me that looks at trials and says, "Ha! You can't get me!" and then scampers off knowing full well that trial is a-comin' at full speed to pick me up by my ankles and shake all my independence out (oh, and every little bit of loose change). And that, folks, is exactly what happened.
I stepped off the plane in Omaha after one of the most emotional departures of my life in Tegucigalpa to blaze a trail that only made sense in my mind. It looked like this:
I was applying for jobs in those places, but I was also picking up the pieces of my stateside self - trying to figure out what it would mean to live in this skin - and I ended up back on the good ole family homestead thrashing and resisting the attack I provoked on my pride and independence. I am not one bit regretful of my galavanting, though. I'm kind of a face-to-face girl and I needed the time walking on beaches and sitting on couches and chasing kids around houses to remind myself that God has called me to let love fly just as crazy here.
But, when the dust settled from the adventures and I started getting used to painfully pleasant rejection letters and emails, I started to feel the weight of "missing" the ministries and people and crowded streets and fried corn tortillas. It was sure heavy.
God is so gracious to give me community in this time. I was ready to pack my bags and move almost the minute I got back, but He hasn't let me. No, I think I needed to get some thrashing out, upside down, before I could move on and He was gracious enough to let me do that in the midst of canning salsa and playing nertz and hiking timbers and harvesting soybeans. I am so very thankful.
Last night, when I was babysitting some imaginative munchkins, I scooped up Dari and flipped her upside down and said, "I'm going to shake all your sillies out!" I shook and shook while she giggled until I said, "Well, I think I got 'em all!" to which she promptly responded by scooping all her sillies from the air and then touching my knees, saying, "Now all the sillies are in your knees!"
Oh, what beautiful perspective innocence brings! My knees have never had such a party!! It reminds me of Ecclesiastes 5 and verse 20 more specifically. Solomon is going on and on about what is/isn't important and what we can/cannot hold onto in this life. Then he arrives at this verse that has nestled its way into my favorites,
For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart.
I want so much to forget my days, for the joy in my heart! How wonderful a thing - to be SO AMAZINGLY FULL of joy that there is no room for anything else.
So, I guess I'm back at this blog thing again. There is too much inspiration in this season to find excuses not to express it! The changing leaves, the baking spices, the conversations, and the endless times I find myself in the upside-down-by-the-ankles state ... they all want written about and I think I'll finally give in.
maybe you'll help me remember how to